EASTER BUNNY NOW PRIME SUSPECT April 21, 2014

 

 

I realize how lame it sounds to suggest that the Easter Bunny is a suspect in the ongoing Adrian Branch Library crime spree, but that certainly seems to be the case.  On Monday, April 21, 2014, Librarian Meredith Vaselaar found a trail of chocolate eggs scattered about the Library.  A basket filled with candy and plastic grass was found tipped over on the floor, and evidence of rabbit rowdiness was rife in the small building. But was the evidence enough to convict the happy holiday hare?

Chief of Police Shawn Langseth arrived at the Library on Monday morning, bringing along his forensic collection bag, as well as his usual keen sense of observation.  “This does look bad for Mr. Bunny,” admitted our Chief, “but we cannot bring charges until the evidence is tested.”  No bunny hair or paw prints were found at the scene.  There were no tracks, making it all but impossible to determine how anyone could have gotten into the Library without a key - which has been one of the more perplexing aspects of the crime spree.

“There are inherent difficulties in charging the Easter Bunny with the crimes,” cautions Chief Langseth.  “Mr. Bunny has heretofore had a reputation for being a benevolent creature, with no known acts of vandalism or misconduct.  Historically, the Easter Bunny has been difficult to catch.”  Should the evidence point irrefutably to the famous hopster as the culprit, it is doubtful he will be easily apprehended. 

A bigger issue in focusing too much on the Easter Bunny as a suspect is that other suspects might be overlooked.  “We have had a lot of people come forward with the identification of possible perpetrators, including mice, rats, elves, trolls, fairies, as well as someone named ‘Hank’,” says Langseth, “thus far, none of these suggestions has been discounted."  It appears that just about everyone in the area is under suspicion.  This makes Chief Langseth’s job not only enormous, but extremely tricky.  “I cannot simply accuse everyone,” the Chief asserts, “but I will admit that the pool of suspects grows bigger each day.”

The Chief is asking for the public’s assistance in bringing the perp(s) to justice.  If you think you know who could (or should) be charged with the crimes, please contact the Adrian Branch Library (507 483-2541 or mvaselaar@plumcreeklibrary.net).  No clue or suggestion is too small to investigate.

NEEDLES, BUT NO HAYSTACK April 14, 2014

 

Curiosity.  That was uppermost in the Librarian’s mind this Monday when she opened the Adrian Branch Library.  What would be found next?  Would the new mess outdo last week’s travesty?  Would this week’s crime lend clues as to the identities of the perpetrators?  Curiosity outweighed apprehension for our Librarian as she stepped inside the small, one-room Library.  And in true literary fashion, our Librarian thought that things had gotten “curiouser and curiouser.”

Knitting needles.  Yes, what the Librarian found at the base of the Library castle was indeed curious – a handful of knitting needles and yarn amidst books on all things Medieval (castles and knights and jousting, etc.).  The knitting needles had not been idle, for also found was something made out of yarn.  As our diligent Chief of Police Shawn Langseth surveyed the scene, he picked up the knitted item and held it up to scrutinize.  The item baffled both the Law and the Librarian.

Our Chief then kneeled on the floor and knocked his knuckle on the castle walls, in search of more clues.  The knocking lead to naught, so he knew he must delve further.  Was the knitted item a knockoff of something? Would anyone know what the items meant?  As he knattered to himself, he wondered why the unknown nuisances would naffer about in a Library?  Nothing made sense. 

Knitting began first with knotting.  But what does knotting have to do with knaves and knights? Or is the hint in the needles, which were necessary for the knitting of the yarn?  And although knaves and knights might know about knots, were they also knowledgeable about knitting? Would not knives have been more apropos than needles?  The Chief left, his knapsack filled with evidence, but nary an idea as to the connection between the knickknacks.

This is quite the knotty dilemma, don’t you think?

(Note:  As always, the Adrian Branch Library continues to collect the names of suspects.  If you have an idea as to the identity of the perpetrators, please email the Librarian.  A list of suspects will be posted in the future.  Email:  mvaselaar@plumcreeklibrary.net)

IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT . . . April 7, 2014

 

 

 

It was a dark and stormy night.  Chief of Police Shawn Langseth sat in his office, just off the squad room.  The evidence did not make sense – or did it?  The latest crime scene at the library had been staged; he had never been more sure of anything in his twenty-four years in law enforcement.  The books scattered at the scene had seemed to mock him . . . all had the word “Mystery” in the titles.  Coincidence? No, he did not think so. The Chief took the message for what it was: taunting, a mocking of his investigation.

Beneath the glare of the overhead light, Chief Langseth studied the latest bits of evidence:  four magnifying glasses, a pencil, a notebook with a torn page that said, “Who Done It?”  Then there was the inkpad from the circulation desk, from which miniature footprints seemed to lead away.  Was it possible those were REAL footprints, or were the perps playing with him?  Had the criminals been clumsy, or were the footprints an elaborate hoax?

As the storm raged outside, there was a storm raging inside the Chief.  Sure, there was anger, but the Chief was not going to let that get the best of him.  He looked with deadly calm at the latest bit of evidence to cross his desk.  He held in his hand the report from the BCA which had arrived earlier that day.  The report showed the DNA mapping from the evidence that was swabbed from the forks he sent to the crime lab in February.  It was not the crime lab’s process that interested him as much as their conclusion:  Creatorae IWas he surprised? No.  Frustrated? Not that he would admit – even to himself.  Resolved?

You bet.

It might seem little to go on – but adding the evidence from the past weeks, to the information he had in his hand – Chief Langseth knew what his next step would be.  As lightning flashed through the window, casting ominous shadows on the precinct walls, Langseth narrowed his eyes, until all one could see was the steely glint of determination.

Those perpetrators would rue the day they decided to rumble in HIS territory!

S'MORES AND SMOKE March 31, 2014

 

“As incredible as this may sound, it appears that someone had a campout at the Library over the weekend,” said Chief of Police Shawn Langseth.  Indeed, when Adrian Branch Librarian Meredith Vaselaar entered the Library on Monday morning, the first hint of an intrusion was the faintest smell of residual smoke.  The source was quickly identified: a small tea-candle had been lit – and extinguished – at some point over the weekend.  The reason for the fire was fairly simple to ascertain: evidence of S’mores making was scattered on the floor near the candle.  Broken bits of Graham crackers, Hersey’s chocolate bars, and Marshmallows, were found littering the carpet.  (Hey, folks! Take a wild guess as to how much Librarian Vaselaar enjoyed cleaning up THAT mess!)  Four sticks with light scorch marks were found, solidifying the S’more supposition.

Last week, Chief Langseth was reticent to talk about what was found at the crime scene, other than feathers.  However, this week, Langseth has decided to talk about ALL the new clues found on Monday, as well as speculating as to the identity of the perpetrators.  “It seems to me that the perpetrators are becoming a bit more careless,” said the Chief, “and we hope that eventually they will leave behind something incriminating.”

There has been little usable evidence gathered thus far: a few cookies crumbs, defaced property left with no fingerprints, and a movie left in the laptop computer.  “We have not released the name of the movie we found, as part of our effort to keep some vital information a secret,” says Langseth. 

As for the forks that were sent to the BCA, thus far, there has been no breakthrough.  BCA officials have detected something, but further analysis is needed.  According to an inside source, who wished to remain anonymous, the BCA laboratory scientists are perplexed.  “The genetic fingerprint found in the DNA sample sent from the Adrian Branch Library, bears no resemblance to anything that has thus far been mapped.” 

So, what about the evidence found on Monday, March 31, 2014?  Chief Langseth gave this reporter a list of what was found at the scene in addition to the candle and food crumbs:  books with a camping scene, some standing on end as if to resemble tents, two very small blankets and two equally small pillows, a book on ghost stories, a very small guitar, a small backpack with a flashlight, and a cowboy hat.  “Due to the size of the pillows, guitar, the backpack and flashlight, I would be inclined to guess that we are dealing with mice,” he said.  Librarian Vaselaar was outraged, “we do NOT have mice in our Library!” she insisted.  Perhaps Vaselaar is right, as the cowboy hat was such a size as to indicate someone – or something – with a rather large head, or perhaps a large creature with a small head.

If not mice, then what?  What – or whom – can sneak in and out of the Library undetected, with no signs of forced entry, and no known source of all this food they seem to be eating, and materials they seem to conjure up out of thin air?  Is it elves, as some have speculated, or fairies? Are we dealing with trolls or minions?  Are we dealing with humans or mythical beings?  Stay tuned for next week’s crime* and see if you can help determine the identities of the perpetrators.

* (Assuming there IS another crime discovered next Monday.  I am not suggesting there is a pattern here, or that another crime WILL take place.  I am just saying, you know, just IN CASE there should be another crime, then we, of course, would want the public to continue to be informed. We take our job as news information specialists very seriously.  –Ed.)

FEATHERS? REALLY?! March 24, 2014

 

 

Feathers.  That’s what Librarian Meredith Vaselaar found when she opened the Adrian Branch Library on Monday, March 24, 2014.  She placed a frantic phone call to our fine Chief of Police Shawn Langseth.  He arrived at the Library to find a frazzled Vaselaar frantically pacing the floor.

Chief Langseth took a look at the feathers adorning the floor and was flummoxed – what fiends could have left such a fluffy mess?  There were no fresh footprints or fingerprints left at the scene.  After so many weeks of fractious behavior from the perpetrators, it would indeed have been farfetched to believe the crimes would end.

It was feckless for the Chief to attempt to appease the furious Librarian.  “Do not fret,” he advised the Librarian, as filoplumes floated up from her frenetic footsteps, “we shall not be forestalled by this latest folderol!” 

Our favorite editor, Kathy Burzlaff, met with Chief Langseth to ask about the latest Library fiasco.  “What is your plan to foil these feisty fugitives?” she asked. 

“I shall forge ahead, fervidly follow their trails, and never falter in my quest for justice,” vowed Chief Langseth.  With a furtive glance around the room, he hinted that he had a fool-proof plan up his sleeve.  “The perps can – and will - be fobbed!  When that happens, this farce will be finished!” said he, with an intensity that, frankly, flabbergasted this reporter.  Indeed, the man seemed inflexible in his determination to bring down the fowl villains.

For you faithful readers and faithful patrons, we ask you to be forthright in your assistance in finding these foxy offenders.  Have you any idea who could be causing such furor in our Library?  If so, please stop by the Library, or email your suspicions to the Librarian at mvaselaar@plumcreeklibrary.net .  No feather shall be left unturned in this matter!

THE GOOD NEWS AND THE BAD NEWS March 17, 2014

 

 

What a wonderful St. Patrick’s Day it was for the staff at the Adrian Branch Library!  When the staff arrived, they found their old tape dispenser sitting atop the circulation desk.  Ah! Joy! Rapture! Bliss!  The happiness of the staff and its trusted tape dispenser could not be described in words alone. 

The joy was somewhat dampened by the realization that the tape dispenser was too traumatized by its ordeal to complete its final two weeks of work.  The tape dispenser has been officially retired and is resting comfortably amongst its friends, including the stapler, the three-hole-puncher, the ruler, and Ralph. 

This is all good news.

What about the bad news?

The Library staff was shocked (albeit ecstatic) by the return of the tape dispenser.  They were NOT, however, shocked to see that another gruesome crime had taken place.

Those dastardly perpetrators had defaced revered Library property.  In what was a true act of vicious vandalism, those turgid terrors took it upon themselves to add tasteless illustrations to a photo of the erstwhile comely Librarians.

Malicious? Yes.  Baneful? Of course!  Beyond abominable? ABSOLUTELY!

Chief of Police Shawn Langseth scrutinized the photo and had this to say, “I noted that the illustrators were not particularly gifted.  I have to say that it is bad enough that the photograph was marred, but for the perpetrators to have done such a poor job?  That is truly contemptible!”

Chief Langseth is asking for the public’s help in keeping an eye out for possible suspects.  “I think it is safe to ignore seasoned graffiti-artists in this case,” says Langseth, “I believe we are looking for someone who does not have a lot of experience in public doodling.”

CLUE LEFT AMIDST MESS March 10, 2014

 

 

Librarian Meredith Vaselaar entered the Adrian Branch Library on Monday morning, March 10, hoping to find that the old tape dispenser had been returned. Alas! That hope was dashed.  Not surprisingly, there was another mess: a scattering of books on the story time carpet.  No footprints, no fingerprints, no stray piece of lint to be found. 

But there was something else found, something so disturbing, so diabolical, as to shock even this poor reporter.

The kidnappers had left a single photograph on the circulation desk. 

Why was the photograph so shocking? It appears that the perpetrators had photographed the library’s tape dispenser in front of the article about its disappearance as printed on page 2 in the February 26, 2014, issue of the “Nobles County Review.” 

Chief of Police Shawn Langseth was called in to investigate this latest development.  “As this photograph indicates, the tape dispenser is still viable,” says Langseth, “but we have no idea how long this will be the case.”  The message was clear, however:  either give in to the kidnappers’ demands of candy, or never see the tape dispenser again. 

This proved to be too much for Librarian Vaselaar.  “We MUST give in to their unreasonable and selfish demands!” said she, “We simply cannot go on like this!”  Against his better judgment, Chief Langseth agreed to step aside to allow the Librarian to take matters into her own hands.  “We will fulfill the perpetrators’ demands,” says Vaselaar, “I know we don’t have the budget to provide unlimited supplies of sweets for these criminals, but we can’t afford not to!”

A plan is in place for Saturday, March 15.  On that day, after closing, the Librarian will leave unmarked, non-sequential, miniature candy bars in the Library treat basket on the circulation desk.  The secret hidden camera housed behind the desk (a Kiwi-shoe-polish-can pin-hole camera, cleverly concealed as an Andy Warhol style sculpture --- pretty much the best the Library could afford during these tough economic times) is set to capture any nefarious activity that might take place over the weekend. 

The Chief of Police, as well as Library staff, is asking the public to keep its collective eyes open for any out-of-the-ordinary suspicious activity in or near the Adrian Branch Library.